High school. I was the new kid. My family and I moved from Chicago, Illinois to the greater Pittsburgh area when I was 14. I was about to start my freshman year without knowing a single person besides my brother (who wasn’t in any of my classes…yippee). As if I wasn’t already shy and introverted enough, I was now being tossed into a brand new school with new peers, new teachers and new surroundings. To say that I was terrified would be an understatement. People didn’t take to me well at first. Apparently to my peers, my quiet nature came off as being “rude,” which just made me distance myself more from those around me. I was in and out of counseling, which I felt embarrassed to speak about to anyone. After some time and some horrible rumors being spread about me, I realized I was struggling to make friends and the best way I knew how to do that was to join a sport - so I did.
I joined the track and field team solely on the basis of making friends. Little did I know, it would be the first step to shaping who I would later become. I bonded well with my teammates and to my surprise I had a natural talent for sprinting. I quickly became obsessed with the sport as well as my studies and things were looking up. Back at home my family seemed to be adjusting well and I couldn’t have been happier. I was progressing; I made a few close friends and had also become comfortable with the idea of having a boyfriend.
Having a boyfriend was a big step for me because I had always struggled with self-image issues. Those self-image issues worsened when I found myself trapped in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. The constant feeling of fear and embarrassment engulfed my mind. It went unspoken for some time. By God’s grace alone and the help of a friend, I was able to cut the ties on my relationship. I had a hard time trusting anyone after that. Towards the end of my time in high school, I began searching for the perfect college. After careful consideration and numerous visits to different schools, I decided upon Westminster College.
I was excited, but nervous. I was a home-body. The thought of being away from the place where I finally felt “settled” was all too much. Another big change. Consistency was what I felt my life lacking. My senior year came quickly. My time at home was coming to an end and I knew my life was about to change in a big way. Summertime as a high school graduate…I wanted to take a trip with my family up to my Aunt JoAnn and Uncle Dean’s cabin before I packed up and left for college. My dad, mom, brother and I made it up there a few weeks before I had to leave. My boyfriend at the time came with us as well. It felt different this time at the cabin. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something wasn’t the same. My boyfriend was taking a nap at the time so I decided to take a walk.
I saw my brother standing down by the river, gazing out over the water, not moving. I walked out to him and called his name. He didn’t turn around, he just asked, “What’s up?” I asked him if something had happened with which he responded, “No” and continued to stare at the river. I started walking back up to the cabin and saw my mom coming towards me. She looked sad. Everything in me was telling me to ask her what was wrong. At first, I couldn’t. I gave her a half smile as we passed each other, but when I noticed she didn’t smile back, I turned around and said, “Mom, are you ok?” There was no hesitation after that. She broke down and explained that my dad had just asked for a divorce. I asked her to repeat herself because I had sworn I misheard her. I felt numb. I had to move in a few weeks and I didn’t know how I was going to leave knowing my parents were splitting.
The time came. Things escalated quickly. My sister was struggling with serious alcoholism and had been in and out of rehabilitation facilities for some time, but the news of the divorce seemed to worsen the problem. My dad informed us that he was moving on with another woman. In the midst of feeling more alone and helpless than I ever had, my boyfriend at the time dumped me.
Time for college. I had no other option than to pick up the pieces of my life and make the most of them in this new chapter. It was my freshman year of college. I tried to fake my way through classes and everyday life, all the while knowing that I was falling apart on the inside. Everything I had known for 18 years…my example of what love was supposed to look like, had fallen apart. I had a broken heart and a broken focus. Sleepless night after sleepless night, I would stare at the wall…hearing my heart pounding in my ears and wanting so desperately to turn off my mind for even a few seconds. I lost weight and was no longer finding enjoyment in anything I normally loved doing. I wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to feel helpless anymore.
The day I reached my breaking point was one I’ll never forget. I got my hands on every pill I had brought with me to college, including my prescribed anxiety medication. Thoughts raced through my head of my sister who was struggling with alcohol, my hurting mom, my dad, my loneliness…everything quickly became a blur. I ingested the pills so fast, not fully realizing what I had just done. Lying in the emergency room…a hazy-faced male doctor asked me repeatedly, “Were you trying to hurt yourself?”
What had I done? I needed a change, and I needed it fast. What did I do the last time I felt this way?
I turned to sports. Again, I joined the Varsity Track and Field team at my college and let it run its course on me. I found joy again. Pure joy. I found a home within my team. A home away from home. Working out was my escape…my therapy. I worked out seven days a week to keep my body and my mind fatigued. It was the only time I felt clear-headed. My dad got remarried early into my college career…another big change. At this point, I wasn’t too surprised by anything anymore. I started gaining an unquenchable passion for weightlifting. Being a female in the weight room was intimidating at first, but I soon adapted and was able to help other females gain the confidence to walk in there with their head held high. It made me feel strong and untouchable. Most importantly, it gave me purpose. That’s what I had been missing. In finding purpose, I became unstoppable. I buckled down and took my classes and my sport more seriously than I ever had before. I started to see the fruit from the seeds I had planted. I was inducted into two honor societies and won the senior Capstone Research Project Award for my major, which I had the chance to publish in an online journal. I ended my college Track and Field career with two school records and a group of amazing friends. I realized that I couldn’t control a lot of what life had thrown at me, but I could control how I reacted to those challenges and grew from them. I had a new outlook on life.
Graduation was approaching and I felt at peace with where I was at in life. Peace was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I had a few jobs out of college, one that was related to my major (Criminal Justice), but I found that it didn’t satisfy me in the way I had hoped. So, I took a leap of faith and completely changed the direction of my career path. I pursued a career in personal training and group fitness instruction. I wanted to live each and every day encouraging individuals to look their obstacles in the face and wink. I wanted to help individuals grow strong mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wanted to show others the power of taking control of their mind by taking control of their body. Our mind and our thoughts are immensely difficult to train, but once mastered, failure as the final outcome will never again be accepted.
Exercise was and is an outlet for me and has been a successful outlet for thousands of people. It tells you, “no” over and over again. It pushes you the point of wanting to give in and give up, but don’t. Fight. Fight until you can boldy say “Yes. I can.” That’s the power of exercise. That’s the power of the mind. Keep your body and your mind sharp. Wherever you find peace, let that be your sanctuary. Let it consume you. Give yourself over to it completely, and you will always experience pure bliss. Pure joy.
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